I love music—from R&B and country to Christian and hip hop. My tastes are all over the place, but one of my all-time favorite artists to listen to is India Arie. I love that her music is so empowering and uplifting when so many singers these days have chosen to go the route of provocative and explicit.
The other day, I was listening to her song Beautiful Flower and was nearly brought to tears. (I’m quickly learning that tearing up at any and everything is a little talked about byproduct of becoming a mom.) If you haven’t heard the song, you must check out this video and really listen to the lyrics. The song’s about teaching girls that they’re beautiful and powerful. Valuable and brilliant. I’m already envisioning a video montage set to it for little Christiana’s Sweet 16 party.
The song really tugs at me because it reminds me of the big role I will have in shaping my children’s perception of themselves, particularly my daughter. This is no small job, either. In a culture where beauty sells, millions of dollars are spent in the vain pursuit of perfection (heck, I have a few things I wouldn’t mind getting done) and women are routinely degraded across all forms of today’s “entertainment,” maintaining a positive self image can be challenging.
I should know. I’m the one whose initial instinct is to pick out all the flaws in my pictures or who can hardly pass a mirror without spotting something that I wish I could change. These days, I’m constantly complaining about how my clothes are too tight. (This is extremely hilarious given that I once ran out of a dressing room in near hysterics after trying on dress after dress that was too big and realizing I’d have to wear a size 0. It’s funny now, but I’m pretty sure that I’d convinced my new hubbie that I was deranged as I railed on and on about how I had the body of a child and being petite sucked.)
It all makes me realize that as my little girl continues to grow, before this crazy world gets a chance to shape her, she’s going to be watching me and listening to me. Teaching her to see herself as the perfect, beautiful person that God has created her to be means modeling that belief myself through my words and actions.
I’d be lying if I didn’t say this is all a bit intimidating to me given my own struggles with insecurities over the years. However, when faced with the alternative—raising a daughter who doesn’t require others to value her because she doesn’t value herself—it’s not a responsibility I’m willing to relinquish.
So tell me, what tips do you have for raising confident girls who see themselves as beautiful and capable? How have you come to own who you are and be proud of the person that God created you to be?
Thanks for sharing. I have a daughter, too, and believe this is so important…to instill in her that it’s the inward beauty of the heart that surpasses all other beauty…and a beautiful woman on the inside is even more radiant on the outside.
I completely agree. I appreciate you stopping by!
A great post and message. I try to set a good example for my daughter regarding self confidence. Although she is still quite young, I am extremely aware of the language I use. If a girl grows up listening to a mother who puts herself down, she will likely grow up and do the same to herself. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
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I do not have children, but what you said rang true. I didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin till I was 28–it was only when I realized that I could be my own person and not have to fit into what society or some guy wanted me to be. What really worked wonderfully for me was I started writing a list of things that I like and didn’t like–that I, personally liked–not somebody else. It helped me start realizing who I was.
Thanks for the great post. Over from The SITS Girls!
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I have 2 boys. I am always trying to tell them to look on the inside. Think before you speak words can never be taken back. I am working right now to built up there inner person even more so when I get angry. Its so easy to get lost in the moment and say the wrong thing and again words once out there cant be taken back. They can be forgiven but not forgotten.
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Visiting from SITS. I write a blog about raising girls and have addressed this topic several times. Go to Youtube and check out Dove’s short short film called Evolution. It shows a model getting dolled up for a photoshoot and then the photoshopping. It is fascinating and really helped my girls understand that the beauty they see in the media is false. I was not familiar with the song. I loved it.
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This is such a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing. I have been thinking along these same lines, the power my words have over my daughters. The oldest of which will be starting Jr High this fall. I love the song and have not heard it before. I think a video montage will be on my to-do list for her birthday this next month. That is such a good idea, I hope you don’t mind if I swipe it?
I am grateful to my parents who always told me I was beautiful growing up. With the amount of images the media throws at us all our lives, I am still trying to believe them. You give us much to think about.
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Teaching my daughter she is beautiful, no matter what, that is an overwhelming task, for sure. But like you said, it is so important and something I pray I have the power to teach her.
Thank you for sharing with us such a beautiful and powerful song – had to listen to it and check out the lyrics b/c I’d not heard it before. Inspiring.
Stopping by from SITS Saturday Sharefest ~
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As a mother, I so understand you. My focus is to teach my children (daughter and son) that beauty is all races and shades of women. There is not “ideal” look.
My daughter is 16 and I want her to watch for weight (she has gained some) because of health, but I always approach the topic with caution because, I do not want her to have an issue with her body that may be harmful.
I have struggled with body/beauty issue that have stemmed from abuse, but as I type this I know that I am wonderfully made.
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Yes ma’am, you are wonderfully made. Your kids are already a step ahead because you realize that. It’s good that you mentioned your son because I can’t forget to teach my boys to value themselves, and others too.
It’s really great that you’ve come to this realisation about raising your little girl.
Having been a little girl myself until recently (hah, I think sometimes I still am), I think the most difficult part of teaching your daughter she’s beautiful is that time in a girl’s life when her parents’ adoration just aren’t enough anymore. There will, likely, come a time when all she wants is acceptance from the girls and that cute guy. I guess the trick is that even when your child is a difficult teenager you hardly recognise, that she must never have a doubt in her mind that her mom loves her, unconditionally.
Love from South Africa (via SITS Sharefest)
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Thanks for stopping by. I think most of us would like to stay kids at heart (I know I do!). What you say is true–as parents we can affirm our girls as much as we can, but they may still want approval from their peers too. I guess that means also teaching them how to pick a good circle of friends–ones that’ll reaffirm what we’re teaching them at home rather than tear them down.
I think you nailed the biggest one. Always being positive about our own bodies. Almost everyone and everything in the world will challenge whether they are good enough. We need to show that we are above that. That the world’s opinion doesn’t matter.
Telling your daughter she’s beautiful helps. Showing her you believe you are beautiful is much more powerful.
Best wishes. It’s important.
Thanks for your thoughts and for sharing this song. I love her but hadn’t heard this one. Stopping by from SITS. Have a great weekend.
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Luv what you said here–telling your daughter she’s beautiful helps. Showing her you believe you are beautiful is much more powerful. I hope you don’t mind if I share that on Twitter. that’s just too good not to pass along. I’m so glad you stopped by.
{Melinda} I adore this post! I have a 15-year-old daughter and this topic is on my heart so much of the time! I think I’ve gotten better at helping her see her worth as I’ve realized that I have to let go of the feelings and behaviors I think I have a *right* to and allow the Holy Spirit to give me restraint and show love in spite of feeling unappreciated, stressed, attacked, etc. And to let go of being so focused on what others think of me. As I’ve become more confident in who He created me to be, I have more to give to her in that regard.
I certainly don’t have all the answers and am very much a work in progress. But I think that affirming their achievements (TRUE achievement) and not giving empty praise is important. Also, allowing them to make mistakes and suffer the consequences (we all gain so much wisdom through this that helps them figure out how to succeed the next time.)
Emphasizing character and the fruits of the Spirit qualities that we see in them, actually above affirming other achievements. Academic and athletic success is wonderful, but more than anything, I want a girl who is kind, loving and passionate about God.
Our girls’ characters and self-worth are not formed overnight and so we have to be as patient with their missteps as we should be with our own.
Thank you for this today! Am subscribing to your lovely blog!
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Aww, so glad you liked it. I really enjoyed reading your thoughts on the subject too. You’ve definitely added some good insight and given me other ideas of things I can do for my daughter. Thanks for stopping by. (by the way, your blog name is super cute!)
A good example of planting positive words in a young girl’s mind is with my grandaughter, Chelsea. As you know, Chelsea was born with light brownish hair which eventually turned red by the time she was 4 or 5 years old. Everywhere we would go, women would stop and admiring the color of her hair. They would say, Is that her natural color?” “Yes, it is!” Chelsea did not like the idea of anyone asking or talking about her hair. We would give her words of encouragement by telling her, “Chelsea ladies would love to have your hair color!” She is now 16 and we are still singing the same song to her. Her hair is georgeous and thick. But you know after 16 years, I believe she knows she has been blessed with a crown of glory.
Isn’t it funny how it can be so hard for us to accept compliments or see the beautiful things that others see in us. It’s wonderful that Chelsea’s now seeing what others have been seeing because she does have beautiful hair!
Girls in particular should be taught life lessons early. I’ve raised my girls to be smarter and wiser than physically attractive. For the most part, that message has resignated for them (my oldest still deals with extremely high self-confidence ~ borderline conceded). There is nothing wrong with physical attrativeness; however, it should not dictate who you really are. It’s more important of how you carry yourself as a yound lady and your attitude, than how beautiful you are. In addition, beauty can go a long way, if you respect yourself first.
A few things that come to mind as I raised my girls are:
1. Parents should tell their daughter she is beautiful, don’t allow the world to dictate that for them or you. This is the most critical step and should start early.
2. Allow your daughter to explore different things and atmospheres. Don’t keep them in a box, this only builds their curiosity.
3. Be a parent, not a friend. This is where parenting goes wrong (in my non-professional opinion).
I think your non-professional opinions are right on point! Besides I’d say that being a mom of girls yourself is enough credentials for me. :) I really like your tips. I’m thinking I might have to put together a scrapbook for Christiana with all this great info!
Our society’s perception of the word “beautiful” can definitely be overrated as it tends to measure the worth of a person. I believe Kim Kardashian is a very beautiful woman physically, but it’s obvious that there are things not right about her. If the person Kim was packaged in another body, I doubt if any man, female-admirer (young and old), or advertising agency would give her the time of day.
Now that I am older and much wiser than my younger self, I’ve learned that the beauty of a person can only be measured by how much they realize and fulfill God’s purpose for their lives–and that task is a life-long experience. What He expects from all of us is that we treat each another right and trust Him to direct our paths. We need to be sensitive to His leadings as He speaks to us inwardly by His Spirit.
Raising confident girls require us letting them know that they are here for a purpose, and only God can give them the direction that they need. Yes, we should teach them to take care of themselves outwardly and take advantage of all the good things that life has to offer, but the greatest reward in life is being able to follow God’s leadings. That means getting up in the morning and saying, “Lord, I thank You for another day. Today, lead me in Your perfect will”.
Very wise insight. I like what you said about true beauty being how much you realize and fulfill God’s purpose. The great thing about the younger generations is they don’t have to wait as long as we did to learn these valuable lessons.